Don’t Be Like Me

Don't be like me soho mural
Hello everyone, how have you been? If you are following my social channels you’ve probably noticed that it’s been rather quiet out there and if I post something at last it’s quite crappy. Well, that’s pretty much the reflection of my emotional state at the moment so I thought, instead of trying hard to deliver another portion of crap (all the pressure to post, you know), I’d rather make it honest.

The truth is I feel like reaching the bottom, bouncing between shopping sprees when I spend all the money I don’t have on the things I don’t need- and the days when taking a shower is a challenge too big for me to handle.

I don’t even know whether I should carry on blogging as at the moment I just can’t see it work, I don’t feel like there’s anything else I’ve got to contribute to the online world. I don’t have a smile of inflated lips glued to my face, Chanel bag to review or at least the personality to make up for the lack of those two.

Lame as it sounds, I haven’t been my best and faking it for likes, views whatsoever is not my kind of thing. But then, maybe that’s what’s called ‘professional’? Maybe my honesty is just a sign of weakness, maybe showing the entire world how flipping vulnerable I am is equally cheap and pathetic? I don’t know. I really don’t know. Not much PR involved in this post though, just my silly heart broken in pieces while the brain took a day off, arsehole. He’s just never there when I need him to speak out.

There was this quote I found lately:

And this is exactly what happened. One casual evening, lots of laughs, two bottles of beer, an amateur band playing on the stage… and here we are- me with an egg on my face and him, the precious, beautiful human being who decided to walk away and never see me again.

I know, sounds like a lot of drama, huh? I’m sure, however, one day very soon this awful, never-ending week will turn into a month, which will turn into a year and I will be fine at some point, perhaps just occasionally crying on his birthday. Or hearing the songs we used to play together. Or passing ‘our’ places.

If you think it’s some hopeless romantic story then sorry to spoil it, it’s not. No getting laid, bunches of roses and chocolates involved. Instead, watching the film of our memories you’d get hours of lame jokes and drinking by the Regents Canal, shamelessly burping in the grossest possible way. And eating Sainsbury’s cheesecake out of the box, with huge forks in some dingy pub in Brixton, on the way back from the college. We’d feed each other spitting all over the place laughing like crazy while ordering the cheapest wine on the list. Watching football on Saturdays passionately supporting different teams to eat a greasy Indian takeaway afterwards. Exchanging mean comments on a 24/7 basis and talking rubbish till the morning light. Disappearing for months to turn up out of the blue and mess up with each other one more time.

Yes, we were as dysfunctional as it could get. Even the card I got him for his birthday (the one he’s not going to get) doesn’t say anything sweet and loving. When I think of it now, I should have picked something with a message like: ‘You mean the world to me’. Instead, the one I chose is a picture of an old, fat, half-naked guy and the text: “Happy birthday you man whore!’.

Perhaps not everyone brings out my lady manners. That’s ok.

So yep, I guess he was right saying we need to “grow up and move on”, that I’m the memory of the times he doesn’t want to remember- fair enough.

But I’m telling you, the only desire in me right now is to punch him in the face with a boxing glove full of spikes so that he can feel exactly how it hurts to think of my life without him.

Before I finish this lame stream of words, there’s one more thing I’d like to tell you: cliche as it sounds, please don’t take your loved ones for granted. Appreciate them. Show them how much you care. Don’t be an emotional retard. Don’t bloody assume anything. Don’t be like me.

  • Tiffany Bailey

    my heart hurts for you….. But is also cross with you for thinking you don’t have a personality to compete with a Chanel bag?!! vulnerability is bravery, admitting you are struggling takes strength. And that shows you’ve got what it takes to feel better, when you are ready. In the meantime, let yourself lose those tears, eat that cake,listen to those sad songs and Internet shop if it helps – weight can be lost, happier songs will be there when you want them, and money is just money – it doesn’t count for shit, plus there’s always free returns with ASOS to get us emotional shoppers by 😉 … hugs xxxxxxx

    • Tiff, you’re the best! Thank you for all the love and care and all your precious tips. I guess it’s the only fair way to allow yourself to feel vulnerable… The funny thing is I’ve caught a really bad cold yesterday, so been totally voiceless for 2 days now and it made me think: ‘well, no matter how shitty you think it is it can always get worse so stop moaning about it and do something!’ and I actually feel better now doing something constructive for once 🙂 And yes, I had the cake and an Indian takeaway and a burger, and a few Kinder Chocolate bars and a dozen of other things I haven’t had in ages. I know all the sad songs on the Internet by heart so the last bit left to do has to be ASOS- your advice is always priceless! Xxxxx

  • The best thing a blogger can do is be honest. I’m so sorry this has happened. You can for sure grow comfortable with people and take them for granted. Just continue to be in the moment and be honest with yourself. And don’t forget to call your friends if you need some cheering up!

    • Thank you Nina for all your kind words and support, it means a lot! Xx

  • Right I need to get a few things off my chest after reading your post:
    First, THANKS GOD you dont write about Channel bags and all that stuff. Blogging is now so full of the same reviews, same bags, same shoes and what to buy and spend. Personally, the more I see those posts , the less I am interested. I like seeing REAL stories, real vulnerable feelings, real happy feelings. Better tell me how many times you farted in a day instead omg this outfit and handbag makes me ‘happy’. Don’t get me wrong, one day I would love to go and buy one, probably would smile entire day, but is that real personality? real happiness? no. My real happiness is delicious coffee in the morning, with white clean bed sheets, the warm feeling of my boyfriend and wonderful family memories. That’s what makes me! and dont forget, there is only one you in this world, you are unique in your way and share that!!!
    Second, I am so sorry to hear your friendship end story, it does hurt. But with time it DOES GET BETTER, trust me , it does. New people will come to your life, make you smile, make you cry. Write a letter to him, with all the words and then burn it and let it go. I did it once and it was a huge relief (as cliche as it sounds). xxx

    Laura
    http://www.hairwonderfulday.com

    • Laura, I’m lost for words!!! You’re a star! Thank you so, sooo much for this beautiful, supportive comment. Writing a letter maybe a good idea, very symbolic, I should put myself together, do it and move on. I just feel very lost now, but your kind words and all the encouragement really mean the world, thank you!!! Oh, not to mention the fart thingy, I haven’t heard myself laughing so loud in weeks 😀 Thanks for making my day babe 🙂 And yes, this smile is genuine Xx

  • Right! I don’t care if I am broke as fuck but we are going to have a girly day out where I will treat you to all the vegetarian goodies that your heart desires and we are going to eat until we feel sick. I had no idea you were going through any of us my heart was breaking for you reading this post but do you know what never give up. Sure you lost something but looking at the comments its clear that your blog means something to many people and I think in a way for you as well. Never apologize for who you are because you are freaking awesome. You have a big heart and you let me in even though I was a stranger at first. Please call me if you need to talk I don’t care what time of night it will be, my door is open any time. Miss you, stay strong my pink pastel unicorn xxxx

    • Awww babe, this is the most beautiful comment ever, you’re such a flippin’ sweetheart! This comment literally made me cry, it means a lot, it truly does. I’m sure we can figure out somewhere to go without spending a fortune, after all it’s me and you having a great time together that counts, right? At the moment I’m quite sick (hope it’s just a cold) but once I get better physically we’ll have to arrange something, it’s been far too long! Plus I’ve got the feeling that we could both do with a pint or five 😉 Miss you as hell, will definitely message you in a couple of days lovely xxx

  • Tonya Wilhelm

    I’m sorry you are going through so much pain. It certainly is important to cherish our loved ones and find happiness within ourselves. We are the only ones responsible for our own happiness and well being.

    • Thank you Tonya for your kind words- very well said, it’s all within us x

  • Shirley Warren

    I’m so sorry this has happened and I’m sorry you are going through so much pain. God Bless you.

    http://thestyletraveller.com

  • Alison Rost

    I’m so very sorry. I lost a best friend once because I took the relationship for granted. I kick myself about it to this day. While we intellectually know it will get better with time .. it still hurts now. There’s only one way to get through and that’s day by day .. minute by minute. Simply getting out of bed and willing yourself to do what you need to do. Dang it all (double)

    • Thank you Alison and I’m sorry you had to go through this as well. You are absolutely right, no matter how it hurts life carries on and we shouldn’t give up Xx

  • I was just thinking about you and your blog post! I wanted to come back when I had more time to write. I hope you keep up with blogging. we would miss you dearly in the instagram blog pod! I love seeing your posts and pictures, and you always have a great story to tell. I am totally there with you on that quote you posted up. I can relate to a lot of your blog post! Blog who you are, be authentic, and don’t forget why you started blogging in the first place! DM me 🙂

    • Oh Kit, that means a lot. I am doing better now, thank you for all the love. It’s quite heartbreaking to know you can relate to so much of it though, you’re an amazing girl and only deserve the best pieces that life has to offer! But hey, we’re fighters, aren’t we? You can’t imagine how much I appreciate the support and encouragement you give me on a daily basis, especially now it’s what I need greatly. Thank you so much Xx

  • Thank you so much for this beautiful, supportive comment full of kindness Xx

  • Katja Knox

    Oh girl. Matters of the heart hurt the most. I don’t want to denigrate how you’re feeling now, but it will pass. And it’ll pass when you don’t even realise it. One morning you’ll wake up and do your thing and hours later you realise that ache, that numbing ache inside hasn’t been there all day. But you know what? If you never feel that ache you never really learn to love and care about the people around you. Just remember that you shouldn’t build up defences trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, it doesn’t work and it only isolates you from people who love you and can carry you when you can’t carry yourself.
    Hugs and love xxx

    • Thank you so much Kat, I don’t know what to say, that’s one hell of a moving comment *hug*. You are so right and it’s beautifully said. I guess you can’t never protect yourself from getting hurt buy by trying to do it you miss out on life, don’t you. I truly appreciate all the kindness, I don’t think I’ve ever read so much wisdom which doesn’t sound patronising… you’re just the best. Lots of love xxx

  • I feel like everyone gets to the point where they’re burned out. Sometimes it’s good to step away for a minute to refresh yourself. It happened to me with my YouTube channel. I took a break for a couple months and now I’m making content that I like again and i dont feel like I’m just doing it for likes.

  • Elena Stevkovska

    I feel your pain and I admire you so much for being that brave and expressing your emotions so freely. It is so good to find a piece like yours to read!!!